How to protect yourself
from monsters, ghouls, devils and an array of
other creepy entities this Halloween Season!
.1. When it
appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER
check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book
of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the
basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children
speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, you should be very
concerned. This also applies to kids who speak
with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the
benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general
rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
7. Never stand in,
on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're
searching for something which caused a loud
noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET
THE HECK OUT!
9. If appliances
start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take
ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a
town which looks deserted, there's probably a
good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with
recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you're doing.
13. If you're
running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
down at east twice, more if you are female. Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running
and the monster is merely shambling along, it's
still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your
companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, run for your life!
15. Stay away from
certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street,
Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where
chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs
out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for
help. If you think that it is strange you ran
out of gas because you thought you had most of a
tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to
die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of
strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving
knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made
from deceased companions.
18. If you find that
your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also
applies to houses that had previous inhabitants
who went mad or committed suicide or died in
some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed satanic practices.
appropriately. When investigating a noise
downstairs in an old house, women should not
wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight,
not a candle.
20. Do not mention
the names of demons around open flames, as these
can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of
fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go
looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY